by Adrian Champion
Every so often, I come across a single woman giving other single women pointers on how not to be single. Word? That’s kind of like taking financial advice from somebody who is dead broke. But ladies, despair not. I may not be Dr. Phil, but I’ve been around a little and I happen to have a lot of close homegirls (who I’m sure will be emailing me shortly), so I’ve had some practice at this. Fair warning: I’ve never been good at sugar coating my words. But, I will be real with y’all and I promise that if you follow these rules, you will improve your chances …
#1: Stop Looking.
Did I lose you already? Humor me for a minute. If you think finding the right man will make you happy, you’re probably projecting what you want onto every loser you meet. You’ll either end up with somebody as desperate and codependent as you are, or be taken advantage of repeatedly. Trust me, just stop. You have to be happy and healthy on your own before you’re ready for a relationship. If you focus on doing the things you love, chances are you’ll cross paths with somebody who is a good fit for you.
#2: Upgrade yourself.
Yeah, I said it. Get your shit together. I won’t get into specifics, because this will vary from one girl to the next. But think of it like this: treat each aspect of your character like a class in the school of relationships. If you’re getting straight D’s, you ain’t gonna graduate. Make sense? If you’re not satisfied with who you’re attracting, then hit the gym, read a book, and become the person worthy of those you admire.
#3: Stop tripping.
When you do meet a decent guy, just be easy. Let some shit go. If you feel compelled to trip that often, you’re either with somebody who is wrong for you, or you’re just never happy. Why are you never happy? Who knows. But, I guarantee it has nothing to do with the guy. People are who they are, so either accept your dude for who he is or come to terms with the fact that he’s not what you want and move on.
#4: Look fly.
Don’t get all mad at men and play the “he should love me for what’s on the inside” card. All species attract mates through superficial means, and people are no different. You don’t have to be a model, but you do have to be on his level (whoever “he” is). That might mean skipping the drive thru, losing the sweats, and getting your hurrrr did, for starters. Of course, some guys will holler even when you’re at your worst. But if you want somebody worth your time, then you better be on your best.
#5: Stay fly.
Don’t look all cute until you lock somebody down and then let yourself go. That’s false advertising. Monogamy is like asking a man to eat the same meal everyday for the rest of his life. If you want him seated happily at your table, that dish better be cooked to perfection and served on fine china. Otherwise, he’s gonna satisfy his appetite elsewhere and there are plenty of girls out there But keep in mind, appearance is subjective. Which leads me to my next rule …
#6: Be realistic.
If you’re a 5, stop thinking you’re gonna find yourself a 10. You should be aiming somewhere in the 4-6 range. And we’re not purely talking looks here. Be real with yourself about what you have to offer and adjust your expectations accordingly. What you should be checking for is somebody who is your equal.
#7: Be honest.
Dating is not a game of “trick the guy into loving you” or “he can change”. Be honest with yourself and with him. If you want something serious, then don’t play games and don’t date dudes that play games. One of the biggest reasons certain chicks stay single is that they waste so much of their time on guys who either don’t care about them, or aren’t right for them. If you’re asking the question, chances are you know the answer.
#8: Fall back.
Space is like oxygen for most guys. We don’t just want it, we need it to live. Don’t worry, we’re not going to forget you as soon as you walk out the door and run off with the maid. Ok, some of us will. But most of us just need some time to think, relax, and pursue other interests. And the chick that gets that, who is secure enough to encourage it, is a winner. Plus, if your life revolves solely around spending time with your guy, then you obviously don’t have much going on and your days are numbered.
#9: Slow down. (aka, Brand Nubian’s Law)
A lot of girls get all giddy when they meet a new guy and go full speed ahead. It’s natural to feel some butterflies, but don’t confuse infatuation with love. When people move too fast, they become emotionally attached before they figure out if they’re compatible. Matter of fact, forget compatibility, the guy could be a serial killer for all you know. Instead, you should take your time, get to know the guy, and see if it makes sense.
So, those are the basics. There’s a lot more to it than that, of course, but you gotta start somewhere. Let me know if I missed anything, I may have to write a follow up. And come to think of it, a lot of guys need to follow most of those rules, too …
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